Musings: Forgiving Myself

As I write this today (March 6) my son Tariq is very strong in my mind, heart and thoughts. Today is his 39th birthday.

He would probably be, if still alive, married to his fiancé Jennifer and be a father to his own children. Tariq loved kids, and I know he would have wanted a family. Tonight, along with my wonderful daughter Tasreen, Tariq’s mother Almas and my grandchildren Shahin, Khalil and Miya, I will celebrate Tariq’s birthday over dinner at a restaurant in Encinitas. We will also celebrate Miya’s birthday March 12.

As I muse here considering the birthdays before me, my mind flows into thoughts I rarely reveal in this newsletter, but I feel it is important to share here.I did not always live in the same city as my kids. I did not live in the same home as my children from 1980 on, even leaving the home city Seattle in 1981 after my divorce. Tasreen was 8 and Tariq was 6. I would see my children four times a year, and they would spend summers with me. I would talk twice a week on the phone with them. I never went to Tariq’s wrestling matches or tennis games, and neither did I go to Tasreen’s sporting activities or important events. I was not really involved in their day-to-day lives, and even when Tariq went to Kenya, and though I helped sponsor the trip, I received a card from him that said, “Dad I wish you were here.”

Messages like this were very hard to receive. And yet, I never thought Tariq would die before I did. I went a very long time feeling guilty that I had not spent a lot of time with Tariq while he was growing up. Over the 20 years he was with us, those times together were far and few between. It took a long time for me to come to grips with this.

The way I was able to come to grips was to first forgive the boy who killed him, reach out in forgiveness to Tony and his grandfather Ples, and then create a foundation in Tariq’s name which would help other children be free of a life of violence and gangs.

But there was one more step I had to do, and I didn’t even know I had to do it in order to be free and to find peace. And that was … to forgive myself.

As my “self-forgiveness” steps note here, and in the forthcoming book “From Fulfillment to Peace,” I was to:

At my speaking events, I routinely impart to parents two very important messages: 1. I have held regret that I didn’t spend more time with Tariq. 2. If you have kids, make sure you spend more time with them.

What I also make sure to do, in light of my regret over missing out on much of Tariq’s life, is to make as much time as I can now with my dear Tasreen and her lovely children Shahin, Khalil and Miya.

In this way, by taking these steps, my regret began to lift … all the way to peace.

Now, as I look back with a more expansive perspective, I see I would not be doing any of this forgiveness work (for myself and others) had it not been for Tariq. For this, I say thank you to my son for the gift he gave me by putting me on this path. I feel inspired every day to reach out to the children and youth of our world in his name and helping them make the good choice of nonviolence – with goodwill, empathy, compassion, forgiveness and most important peacemaking.

As I look back, it’s amazing to consider that I am closer to Tariq now, than when he was alive, since he is now with me always. Now, as I do the speaking events with TKF, I ask him, “Are you ready to speak with the kids?” I repeat his name many times a day. All this reminds me of a story concerning Yoko Ono, the wife of slain musician John Lennon. A journalist spoke to Yoko back when John was murdered, saying “Your loss must be so hard since you and John were together 95 percent of the time.” She replied, “Now I’m with him 100 percent of the time.”

I may not be with my son in a physical way, but I am with him in a spiritual way. And that, on this auspicious occasion of what would be his 39th birthday – because of the self-forgiveness work and all the work done by TKF in his name – it will be enough.

Happy birthday my son and may the good Lord rest your soul in eternal peace. Know you are and will always be in my heart, thoughts and prayers.