Musings: Finding Peace in our Family Relations During the Holidays

Holidays can be very stressful especially if there is disharmony within the family structure. Some of us lucky ones do not have this challenge, and this is indeed a blessing. I am grateful every day to be part of a loving and a supporting family. However, in my work I have often dealt with families that have serious challenges. As we approach the holidays many families will be face to face with confrontations by merely being in the same room with each other. I have been there.

So how do you negotiate these challenges?

My suggestion first is NOT to wait until the day before or even a week before Christmas to address these challenges. They are best done early (like today) before any more time goes by. Know that all family members can be feeling this discomfort so addressing it in a compassionate manner will be welcomed. It’s important not to expect full resolution of the issue since, depending on the gravity of the issue, it can take several years to fully resolve family issues. These can be deep seated and old in nature.

I remember a challenge in my life many years ago between my dad and me. It took over two and a half years to resolve. As a result of the forgiveness here, the relationship became stronger. He passed on five years ago, but we enjoyed many years of a  loving and supportive relationship prior to his passing. May the good Lord eternally rest his soul in peace.

Since some issues require much time (as “time heals everything”), it is important to keep this perspective and proactively work towards a permanent solution. For the upcoming holiday, I suggest inviting family members to lay aside any issues if they are too complicated to resolve in the moment. Though family members can still be respectful, kind and compassionate to each other during the family gatherings.

As I learned from a talk President Bill Clinton gave last month in Beverly Hills, “It is important to stay on the positive side of an issue even in the most trying of circumstances.” This is good advice. If you continue to stay with the positive, eventually the positive will manifest. On the other hand, if you get on the negative side of the issue, it is more likely to bring out more of the negative. Whatever the challenges, bring a positive attitude and continue to maintain this stance beyond the holidays in the knowledge that at some point these issues will be resolved and healing will take place. With this healing, the bonds between the family members often are strengthened as was the case with my father. I have maintained that in conflict there is always the opportunity to create love and unity.

In the Chinese Mandarin language the symbol for crises contains both the symbol of danger and opportunity. A crisis essentially is a conflict of major proportions, one that can be loaded with the danger of creating more conflict. However there is also the opportunity is to create love and unity based on the choices we make in these situations. Often a deep sense of empathy, compassion and forgiveness can be a better solution.

With conflicts, my rule has been to act within three days of the conflict. I am to offer forgiveness if I perceive harm has been done to me or ask for forgiveness if I am responsible for the harm. Why three days? This is to give time to reflect, process and percolate on the issue. Typically things we say in anger are not our truest emotions, and often we want to take back those harsh words. So an apology after full reflection is important. Not in all case will the three day rule apply. It depends on the severity of the conflict; it can be done sooner. However what is important is the need to take time to reflect, ponder and process the conflict.

The other positive part of this process is our chance to delve deeper into our own personality to gain useful information about what caused this conflict. Often I find that anger is a result of unresolved grief or an attachment to a negative emotion. If you choose to take a deep dive into your personality when conflict arises, there you will find useful information to improve your character and become a better person.

This is not to say we are bad people (we all occasionally have a “bad hair day” … me too), but we can all become better. Our families are chosen for us, even if we wish we could choose our family members. They are there for a reason – for our growth and spiritual evolution. A famous Guru once said in order to achieve enlightenment one must enter into a relationship. Relationships between us humans are challenging, and in the resolution of these challenges exist the opportunity to grow. Ultimately we can learn to always stay on the positive side, since with time and patience, the most positive results will indeed manifest!

Ah, but what to do with the “elephants in the room” or unresolved issues?

As outlined in the lessons within restorative justice, the art of dealing with unresolved issues is a 5-step process. Again it is important to put time in-between the conflict and its resolution. This process is consistent with the above message as the intended result is to transform the conflict into love and unity. Read the below questions and answer them as honestly as possible.

1. What happened?
2.  What were your thoughts and feelings when it happened?
3. What are your thoughts and feelings now? (remember to take the time to process)
4. Who was harmed and why?
5. How do we make it better?

Answering these questions will lead you to a path of clarity, relief and peace of mind. This time-tested process is used by experienced restorative justice mediators in crime cases to create a win-win solution for the victim, offender and the community. This compassionate process can also be utilized in a family challenge or a crisis. However – it is important to act on this now and not wait until Christmas Eve!

I’m wishing you all a safe, happy, prosperous and a blessed holiday season and 2015.

Thank you all for being part of my life, work and mission. You are all especially in my heart, thoughts and prayers as we enter into the festive holiday season. Make it very special by spreading empathy, compassion, forgiveness and love!