Musings: The Second Step How to Truly “Release” Resentment When You Don’t Feel Like It

I realize that when we are wronged, we are conditioned to judge and develop resentment. So the first effort we must make is to change this perspective. My third book “The Secrets of the Bullet Proof Spirit,” co-authored with Jillian Quinn, held Chapter 7 “Entitlement is the Enemy of Energy.” In it, we discuss how feelings of entitlement seriously sap the energy necessary to take a hard hit and come out on top. It is a question of spiritual resilience. So here is the perspective: with a spiritually fragile viewpoint, one spends a great deal of psychic, emotional and physical energy reacting to the unfairness one is experiencing because one feels they are ENTITLED to a certain kind of life, one without hits that hurt. Science has even proven that such reactions add untold amount of stress on our bodies and systems, which often manifest as deadly diseases like cancer.

Of course this entitlement viewpoint is not practical. It is kind of like playing football and not expecting to be tackled. An alternative spiritually resilient perspective is to resist these feelings of entitlement and use all of your energy and resources to do all you can with whatever it is that you are given. As quoted in Chapter 7, Robert Louis Stevenson said, “Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but of playing a poor hand well.” Remember you are never given a hit that you cannot handle – it is given to help you enhance your spiritual resiliency. This one difference in attitude makes a tremendous difference in success and satisfaction, and it is well worth cultivating so you can reap the full benefits of super spiritual resiliency.

Once you have altered your perspective, the two tools you will need to release resentment are empathy and intention. First about empathy:

Empathy is the precursor (or maybe prerequisite) for compassion, which is a precursor for forgiveness. Here it is important to recognize that you cannot have empathy for someone you do NOT know, as was the case in my tragedy. I came to know everything there was to know about the boy Tony who killed my son Tariq. And once I knew his life journey I was able to develop empathy as if I had traveled the same journey he had. In that light, I could see how I might have made the same decisions he made, no matter how horrific. Now it is also the case where we experience resentment with people we do know well, such as in relationships mother-daughter, father-son, ex-spouses, people you work with, etc. You will have to stretch here. Once you have chosen to delve deeper into the life of he or she you resent, work the below exercise and be sure to complete questions 6, 7 and 8. These will fit your own personal situation. After working these questions, check in and see if you were successful in developing any empathy for the person who caused resentment in you. (I am going to pick Tony for this exercise. You pick your person.)

Step 2 Forgiveness: Give Up All Resulting Resentment

In this exercise we offer understanding and compassion to those we need to forgive. That is one way to release resentments we hold. With your attention on the person, write out the below statement using his or her name to fill in the blank. At the bottom of the sheet, come up with three statements of your own that relate to your specific situation. See how you feel after completing.

1. Just like me, Tony wants to be happy in his/her life.
2. Just like me, Tony is trying to avoid pain in his/her life.
3. Just like me, Tony has been sad, lonely and hurt in his/her life.
4. Just like me, Tony acted in ways because they were afraid or hurt.
5. Just like me, Tony is learning about life.
6. Just like me,    ______________ is:
7. Just like me,    ______________ is:
8. Just like me,    ______________ is:

People in my workshops are usually surprised that this 5-minute exercise can be so powerful in developing empathy. Since empathy and compassion are our most natural states, it’s not surprising that when we are in those states we experience a peaceful flow through life.

Now to turn to the second tool: intention.

The late Wayne Dyer (may the Universe rest his soul in eternal peace) wrote a book called “The Power of Intention.” It is a great read if you have not already read it. The point to make is that intentions are very powerful. When you make a sincere intention that is in the highest good for you, the other person and the Universe, then the Universe can do its magic. With this alignment of good will, the Universe conspires to manifest that intention. Intentions are best done at a deep meditative state. In my free guided meditation (Link HERE) I help participants set their particular intention once they are in this deep meditative stage.

In meditation we not only move from our conscious mind to our subconscious mind, but also from our selfish mindset to a selfless mindset. Meditation takes us from survival to creation – in other words we go from clinging to the known to embracing the unknown. As I have previously written, meditation continues to be the mainstay in my life. In this light, it is not important on “how” to release the resentment, but rather setting the intention to be released from this resentment. Here, you can allow the Universe to manifest that for you. It is important to continue the meditation practice daily. And once you have planted the seed (intention) of releasing the resentment, each successive meditation will nurture that seed. Indeed you will wake up soon having fully released that resentment from your psyche, replacing it with love and joy!

Wishing all a very blessed and a special month … and life! … free from resentment.

Until we meet again.