Musings: How Forgiveness Reduces Stress and Increases Longevity … And Why People Don’t Do It
- 1st Book: From Murder to Forgiveness – The first chapter is entitled “Murder,” and the last chapter is “Forgiveness.”
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2nd Book: From Forgiveness to Fulfillment – The first three chapters touch on the forgiveness topic, and the last chapter is entitled “Fulfillment,” reflecting the satisfying work that came as a result of the choice to forgive.
- 3rd Book: From Fulfillment to Peace – The last book in the trilogy and a 20-plus year journey that started with a devastating tragedy but ended in peace!
Yet many are not able to forgive. They are not able to forgive people who have harmed them or forgive themselves for the harm they have caused, potentially spending a lifetime in resentment or guilt. Often these highly debilitating emotions of resentment and guilt plague their lives 24/7 and cause serious health challenges and fatal diseases like cancer. So why is it that people do not forgive?
I think the biggest impediment to forgiveness is judgment. We as a society are conditioned to judge on a variety of issues. Just watch the presidential debates and see the plethora of insults and judgment levied at the opposing candidates. However we are all guilty of judgement, whether that be based on race, religion, gender, socioeconomic statuses, nationality, politics, sexual orientation or any other topic. Some may even judge on how people dress.
I remember that in one of my workshops a very animated and angry lady said “Azim, you don’t get it – I am working on forgiving Hitler.” I could see that many years of this hatred for Hitler was showing on her persona, and my response was: “So how is that working for you? Hitler died some 70 years ago. Trust me, the higher power knows how to deal with Hitler better than you or I do. He is being dealt with so you don’t need to have Hitler occupy the important real estate of your psyche. Let it go so love and joy can live there.”
She had a big breakthrough, as evidenced by the end of the workshop where she displayed a much improved aura and persona. A month later I got a letter from her that said “My husband thanks you. We now have the most loving relationship going on 30-plus years.” The way you show up in one place is the way you show up in every place. Letting go of the anger at Hitler made room for love and peace to occupy her psyche within all her relationships.
I believe that this inability to separate oneself from the person that caused the harm is critical. Jennifer, Tariq’s fiance, is a good example as she was very angry with me that I forgave Tony in the mid-90s. My response to her was that I did not want to go through life in anger and resentment. I have my journey and Tony has his journey. I am going to leave Tony to the Higher Power. I have healed as a result of choosing forgiveness and today enjoy a level of peace that I had never before experienced.
This is not to say that I don’t want Tariq back – sure I would love that in a “New York second!” Alas, that is not possible. But I do have the capability to make a healthy choice of life-long care and forgiveness. Unfortunately Jennifer did not take this path and decided to soothe her grief with drugs. Seven years after Tariq died she took her own life in a heroin overdose. I do not condone her choice, but I do pray for her. I was unsuccessful to get her to forgive, even though my family has been able to do so.
I believe there is no escaping wrongdoing – karma always balances. The lesson of forgiveness is something we must all learn if we are going to reap the benefits of a healthy, purposeful and prosperous life.
On the health topic, forgiveness aids in increasing longevity and reducing stress. Excessive stress has been clinically associated with disease and ill-health. This reduces longevity as well. The cause of this stress originates from our inability to forgive the past and hold onto resentment from experiences within our families, workplace, loving relationships and community. We tend to take a single annoying experience and negate the whole relationship, one that may have taken many years and good times to build. We are all mortals and as a result fallible. Having this empathy for others who have harmed us can help us forgive and enhance that relationship rather than destroy it. I have learned we attract everything that happens to us, and there is personal growth in these potentially negative experiences if we are able to see them with a new lens – called empathy!
Self-forgiveness is also part of the equation as what I have learned in my journey is that one cannot get to peace by just forgiving people who have caused them harm. It is also imperative to look at yourself, as we have all at some level caused harm too. We can always forgive ourselves with the recipe for redemption:
- Taking responsibility for our actions
- Making amends with the person we have harmed
- Forever changing our offending behaviors
- Helping serve others to do the same
There are many resources available in my books, CDs and the 2-day workshop on forgiveness – forgiving both people who have harmed you and forgiving yourself! These are practical steps that anyone of us can espouse and emulate. It has helped me tremendously. As I look back over the last 21 years – I am amazed all that has manifested in the work that I have done in the social arena of our society. I was not trained in this work, as my education was in business and finance. I truly believe that the reason I have been successful in my social work and teaching forgiveness is because I do not harbor resentment or guilt.
One is not able to perform at their zenith if they are mired in resentment and guilt. You cannot be out in the world giving 100 percent of yourself if you are hindered by these negative emotions. It is important that we are all out there fully if we are going to shift our world from so much anger, hostility, hatred, resentment, war and violence – things we experience in the media and our world on a daily basis. 
As Gandhi taught us: “Be the change you want to see in the world.” I can unequivocally say that my choice to forgive has given me peace, purpose, health and prosperity. It can for you too!
Until we meet again.
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