Musings: An Amazing True Life Story of Forgiveness Within Relationship

I fell in love with another woman and had an affair. She happened to be married; she and her husband were good friends of my wife and me.

I didn’t really see it coming. It was a gradual process. It was innocent at first, just a growing friendship. It was fun and fulfilling. But when we crossed that line, although we all still had fun, there was continual deceit, deep regret, anxiety, sadness and guilt which led to thoughts of suicide. I was left with a hopeless feeling of “no way out.” There was no turning back. No matter what was done or said, hearts were going to be broken.

I realize the smallest, seemingly inconsequential, decisions alter one’s life forever. Doing something or not doing something can have a profound effect on our entire existence. I’m looking for the gold in this situation. I met you as a result and have had many deep meaningful conversations with many people.

Many people were harmed including the four of us involved, as well as others in our local community. We were seen as the perfect couple, so we shattered that illusion with our friends. The lying and deceit left those involved feeling violated. It rattled the trust in friendships.

I made it better by acknowledging what I did and by reaching out to many people that I hurt, either directly or on the peripheral. I apologized for my behavior. I took complete responsibility for my actions. I willingly admitted my mistake. I am willing to talk to others in similar situations with the hopes of helping them weather the storm and realize there life can go back to some semblance of normal. Magic can happen in forgiveness. My wife and I are in a much better place now. Still, though, there is plenty of work to be done and the process continues.

My husband had a long affair with a friend ours and fell in love with her.

My first feeling was shock. Not as much that there had been an affair, as I had suspected as much and had questioned both of them on numerous occasions. They both lied to me, and I believed their lies. The real shock came from the fact that he was in love with her. I realized the extreme gravity of the situation. My second feeling was relief which surprised me. I realized that there was relief in confirming that my intuitions all along had been right, that my internal struggles and declining friendship with his lover was justified. Then I got angry and said some negative things and stormed into the house.

I got about five feet into the house and received what I now know was a blessing. It pretty much stopped me in my tracks. I knew that I could forgive Ed. I had absolute clarity on that and that I loved him and wanted to be with him. I turned right around, went outside and sat down and told him so. From that point on, I realized I needed to take responsibility for the part I played in what happened prior to the infidelity that brought both of us to this point. I asked for the chance to explore this with him.

I have chosen to look at this experience as a blessing. I look back at it and feel as though I have had an awakening. The intensity of the lesson easily matches the intensity of the pain. And the intensity of the lesson is matched by the aliveness I feel by being present and grateful to the gift of our love for one another. We are stronger together than before. Fifteen months later I can say I am grateful for the experience.

It seems as though everyone got a mixed bag of harm and of growth. Ed’s lover had divorced her husband, which brought great pain to both of them, but he has gone on to a new marriage and is madly in love. There are family members carrying the story as a “secret” and friends who were extremely disappointed by a couple with 36 years of marriage… seemingly failing. But in these instances the conversations we had brought us closer as friends and family and allowed an opening to share some private things you wouldn’t have otherwise. Somehow, the news broke down barriers.

Healing for me started with the forgiveness of Ed. Although at the time I didn’t recognize it as such. I was able to forgive his lover 15 months later. Fear kept me from forgiving her sooner. Fear changed who I was and how I behaved. Fear was costly, especially in the arena of love.